Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
