If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
