Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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