sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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