I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Quick, to the slutcave!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
