He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
