If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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