o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
