I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
