i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
