can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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