how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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