she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
