I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
