Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
