how can u be prego again
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
