I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
