i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
