I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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