If i come over, it means nothing
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
please come you make the beer taste better
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sorry about my life...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
