I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
