two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
