In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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