how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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