He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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