Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
