my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
