I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
