Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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