He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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