By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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