You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
