Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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