Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm too high and old for this...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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