sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
not ubering you a puppy
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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