I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Your cock deserves a montage
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
