Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
