i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
