The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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