I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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