So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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