peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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