it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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