I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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