why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
