Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
