how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
