oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
