I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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