Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
