Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
